Characters

The three Acts of Welcome to the Real World cover life before, during, and after the camp. Characters are introduced in their home setting during Act 1 and the camp scenes occur during Act 2 which comprises about half of the overall run time. We see what becomes of the characters during Act 3. Instrumentals play behind some of the dialogue but there is no sung narrative. A large back-projection screen at the rear of the stage displays pictures and screen views from the refugees’ phones at key moments in the play to assist with the narrative.

Illy

Illy has grown up under occupation. He leads in the first scene as he and his brother Zak search for their home-made kite next to the security fence in no man’s land. Illy is sharp, outspoken and rashly courageous. He is stopped by a guard as he searches for his kite. “You’re not supposed to be here”, says the guard. “Actually I think it’s you guys who shouldn’t be here” replies Illy. “Our family has lived on this land for centuries, who invited you in?”.

Andrew

Andrew is in debt and cannot pay his way no matter how hard he works. His London office job bores him. In an effort to do something useful for humanity, he decides to join a charity helping to clothe and feed refugees at the camp. Andrew travels there on occasional weekends to help out. He sings the lead part in Oh Money, the first song in the set list, in which he tells of a life that has become a treadmill of debt repayments. Later he sings Strangers’ World, explaining the realities of life in the West to the camp’s starry-eyed residents. “The streets of London aren’t paved with gold” he tells them. Aysha, an observant Muslim woman from Somalia, is shocked to find that Andrew is an atheist. She has never met one before. The two manage to discuss their beliefs in a frank but respectful way.

Hassan

Hassan is in his early thirties. He is a relaxed and diplomatic man whose wisdom moderates the hot-headedness of those around him. In Act 1, he discusses with his friends the pros and cons of travelling to Europe as refugees and sings the lead part in “Our Town”, lamenting the economic and political difficulties of living under autocracy. Later, in the camp, he negotiates with the locals who break in to protest against the refugees. He almost succeeds in turning them around. Hilmi is Hassan’s best friend, a national champion high jumper who dreams of Olympic gold, but his athleticism doesn’t save him on the Channel crossing to England. Hassan and Kooti are asked to attend in the morgue to identify him. Hassan sings some verses from Our Town while he stands next to the mortuary table: “The papers say things are this way for reasons, look at them now while they wave the flags of freedom”.

Kooti

Kooti is Aysha’s sister and is looking forward to making a new life in the West. She dreams of going on holiday to St. Tropez which she has fallen in love with through pictures on the internet. Kooti forces herself into the dinghy which Hassan, Hilmi and Illy have “borrowed” to cross the English Channel one evening. When Hilmi drowns in the course of the crossing, Hassan’s friendship for Kooti cools off, In due course, they both find jobs in England and Kooti soon realises how much she misses Hassan. She sings “Just Another Monday” to herself while flicking through pictures of the camp on her mobile phone during a work break at the supermarket. Mrs. Allardyce, a gossipy local shopper, finds Kooti looking sad and chats with her. By chance, a few days later, Mrs. Allardyce finds Hassan working at the pet store at the other end of town and tells him about Kooti. Hassan comes to visit Kooti in the supermarket. He sings one of the verses from Just Another Monday as he approaches her unseen from the other side of a shopping aisle. Kooti goes to see who it is. On turning the corner, they meet face to face.

The Comedian

The Comedian is a friend of Hassan and Hilmi from a small north African town decimated by the fighting of the Arab Spring. He is a flippant twenty-something who was more popular back home than he is in the camp. In an effort to restore his reputation and bring some cheer to the camp residents, he decides to organise a comedy show. To the surprise of the audience, the satire and dry humour of the performers goes down a storm. Andrew does an impression of a xenophobic northern English comedian which is superb but lost on some. Zayna tells jokes about how immigrants are now running the United Kingdom. One of the camp guards juggles oranges and does a pick-pocket routine on volunteers from the audience. The Comedian performs a finale laced with jokes mocking French habits and culture which send the crowd into convulsions.

Barni

Barni is an unemployed zookeeper who knows and cares about wildlife. He meets Elisha, an Iranian feminist, while she is digging a vegetable patch at the camp. Barni is not particularly impressed. Elisha tells him that it is ” … an experiment to show the power of gender roles in disadvantaged communities”. “Are you kidding? In a place like this?”, asks Barni. The two begin a prickly dialogue on gender issues, but this soon develops into a discussion on animal rights. Suddenly it is Elisha who doesn’t respect Barni’s views. His favourite stick insect was put down when his zoo was forced to close. “You’re getting emotional about the death of a stick insect?”, asks Elisha. “Every animal has its rights”, replies Barni. They begin to realise that they have something in common. Barni tells Elisha that he wrote a song about the animals in his zoo. “Everybody is writing songs these days and most of them are awful”, says Elisha. Barni perseveres. “OK, sing it to me if you must”, says Elisha. Barni sings Animal Anthem.

Vladimir

Vladimir is a battle-hardened middle-aged man from the former Soviet States who has been accompanied on most of his rail journey westwards by Barni. Vladimir has left his mother alone in her flat in Ukraine and is tormented by his decision. He talks to her by phone regularly and promises to bring her to the West as soon as he gets residency. However, time is not on his side. His mother passes away while he is in the camp. Vladimir returns home but misses the funeral. He stands in his mother’s apartment by the hallway chair where she used to sit making phone calls. In silence, he journeys through her memorabilia, the audience see pictures on the rear screen of the family in their younger years, the funeral invitation card with the words “beloved wife of Boris and mother of Vladimir”, and a picture of his mother on her wedding day. His tour of the hallway brings him to the piano in the alcove. He sits, lifts the lid, and sings Twilight Years.

Asad and Quiet Boy

Asad has arrived after a difficult journey from Afghanistan. In his late twenties, and a martial arts specialist, he has styled himself as the camp guard, out to protect the weak and innocent from the dangers of less worthy residents. He is followed everywhere by Quiet Boy, some 14 years of age, who has arrived from Africa on his own. Quiet Boy constantly holds a teddy bear and sits side stage in all of his scenes saying nothing. Late in Act 2, Mr. Balladour arrives with a junior officer to escort Quiet Boy to a boys home prior to deportation. To the shock of those around him, Quiet Boy now erupts to tell the story of the murder of his immediate family during the convulsions of the civil war in his home country. He pulls out a gun from the teddy bear, points it at Mr. Balladour, and asks him whether he has ever known real fear. The gun is genuine but not loaded. Quiet Boy breaks down and cries, the junior officer takes the gun from him, and Aysha comes to comfort him. All watch in silence as Quiet Boy sings Monsters in My Dreams. In Act 3, Asad and Quiet Boy visit Aysha in her new apartment. Quiet Boy is so happy to be in a warm place with a TV and a hot bath, but Asad tells him that “there won’t be the two of us anymore”. “Oh?” asks Quiet Boy, looking concerned. “There’s gonna be three of us, a new mum and dad, a proper family for you”, says Asad. Aysha comes from the kitchen to stand by Asad’s side. The three hug each other.

The Repair Man

The Repair Man, Mr. Okasi, is a wise figure, an older man who used to be a judge before fleeing his country under political pressure. It is now, as a repairer of mobile phones in his small shop, that he meets Illy and befriends him. Soon, the others come to value and respect Mr. Okasi for his wisdom but when they ask him for solutions to the world’s problems, they realise that he is as confounded as they are. One evening, Illy tells Mr. Okasi that he left his parents unannounced and that they have no idea where he is. Mr. Okasi counsels him to think of what they’re going through and make contact. Illy looks at himself in a large rusty mirror by the entrance and sings Take a Look at Me..

Mr. Fix It

Mr. Fix It is a rogue, there to make money, promoting himself as a supplier of all things difficult-to-come-by. His offerings include passports, mobile phones, drugs and boats across the English channel. Mr. Fix It is an unreliable exploiter of others, and he knows it. So does the Repair Man, who mends mobile phones in bulk for Mr. Fix It but hardly ever gets the promised payment. “Boats to the bottom of the English channel” jibes the Repair Man in one of their frequent arguments. Mr. Fix It sets out his stall in the song of the same name in the middle of Act 2.